that's no cookies!

before i get into this, i'd just like to clarify that i'm fully aware that the indiana jones franchise has little to do with the horror movie genre--but i'm going to write about it anyway, ok? ok. besides, there are some parts of those movies that can be awfully scary, right? right.




indiana jones and the temple of doom is BY FAR my favorite of the series. now, i know everyone is going to be like, what, are you kidding, that one sucks--no, i'm not kidding, it doesn't suck, you suck, and so does that last (original) one about the holy grail. it sucks so bad i don't even remember the title!

but in all seriousness, ToD is so charming in its brazen goofiness, along with its weirdly strict adherence to this idea of a civilized/uncivilized india. the eurocentricity is so off the charts, i can't even handle it--especially since the other films in the franchise, at least to me, shy away from complicated political/ideological issues, by picking a enemy we can all hate equally: nazis.

to me, this movie is a not-so-secret promotion of the grand ol' days of imperial india, complete with sparkling jewel-in-the-crown. i caught something in this most recent viewing which i'll probably spend the rest of this entry on, even though i'd really like to write about willie scott and short round, but i'll save that for later.

SO, you remember that thing that happened in india, oh, say, around 1857? sort of? well, the indian rebellion (or sepoy mutiny, or india's first war of independence etc) was basically a really big fucking shit storm for the british in india. now, the whole thing is too multifaceted for me to actually clearly write about, and really, all i want to bring up is the so-called final spark that caused the whole shebang: new ammunition that the soldiers had to bite open, however/unfortunately, since the men were a mix of muslim and hindu, and the paper they had to bite was greased with pig lard or beef fat, well, you can maybe see why there was a mucho problemo.

alright, now that we've established that crucial info, let's get back to ToD: one of the most memorable scenes is the dinner scene at pangkot (spelling? idk idk) palace, with, like, live baby snakes, eyeball soup and bugs. juxtaposing willie and short round's entertaining disgust towards the food, we cut back to indiana conversing with the british colonel (or whatever) who's "inspecting" the palace to make some report back to the crown, and the minister (or something) who seems like he's doing a good job is promoting civilization, but who is actually hanging out super hard with the secret thugee cult. in this exchange, the minister brings up the rebellion of 1857, like it was a big deal (it was), and the colonel shoots back something like, oh, haha, why does that always come up? then there's some pregnant gazes and they start making out. i wish! no, basically, it's established that they're both suspicious of each other, and that the colonel represents "good" india, and the minister is a nasty front for "bad" india.

so maybe this just seems like run-of-the-mill eurocentricity, but i think there's this weird motivation behind the little things in this scene--mentioning the 1857 rebellion has a purpose--yes, it establishes the historical context, but it also secretly justifies the british in a bizzaro way: remember the issue of consumption? the muslims and hindus revolted at the idea of consuming pigs or cows in any way? then, think of the dinner scene--the consumption of pretty much anything and everything that is revolting to the western palate. i'm sure willie and short round would've much preferred some bacon double cheeseburgers, but because we're in the space of the secretly uncivilized minister and the thugee cult, the space of "bad" india, we're served these disgusting dishes.

i just feel like it's a pretty clear instance of ~you are what you eat~, but it's this creepy promotion of imperial britain that really caught my eye. it runs through the entire movie, but a little more innocently, if you get my drift--like, there was some brutal thought behind mentioning the 1857 rebellion during dinner gag scene, you know?

or maybe not. i don't know. i just like the idea of "consuming" india in the movie in general, and i think it's something that a smarter person with more motivation and polish (this is a blog, guys!! not a real essay! i don't edit this!) could write a whole lot on. that smarter person might be me one day--i'll go for a PhD in indiana jones studies and write my dissertation on the temple of doom. sound good? good.

xxoo

eugenia

i died for a while, and then i came back

really sorry for the 'long-time-no-see' thing. it's been a whirlwind of a summer, let me tell you. life in this small venus tourist trap can be pretty overwhelming, especially when you're getting drunk and singing karaoke a few nights a week. things just fall by the wayside, and you begin to lose grip on plenty of important things, like, well, being a healthy person and watching a lot of horror movies.

i've reformed my ways, i promise! i realize that an online presence is nothing without consistency. no one likes waiting with baited breath for the next blog entry; they want IT NOW. not that i'm saying i've got an online presence or anything. i've got like 4 blog entries, i'm a newborn with no friends.

to be honest, i haven't watched a lot of horror films lately. i re-watched the descent and decided that it's better on the second viewing, but that the protagonist is kind of awful and that i kind of hate her. CHECK.

i've been wrestling with a netflixed copy of 'last house on the left', but feel no desire to watch it. i watched JAWS again instead, you know? it's not calling my name. i know it's a pretty important staple of the genre, but i'm really not into snuff-film style. it really bugs me. like, don't count on me ever writing about cannibal holocaust, because i can't bring myself to watch a movie where actual animals get their faces cut off. i mean, i rescued our house hamster, popsicle, from certain death (by neglect from his former mom), and while i'm not a vegetarian/vegan, i was in the past, ok? i feel for creatures!
just not chickens. they're like bugs.

i have started watching twin peaks, but i feel like blogging about twin peaks has probably been done before a million times over, and also that 'cool' people post stills from the show on their tumblrs in order to really show off their good taste. while i do like my synth-jazz-weirdo lynch movies, i think i prefer elephant man over all of his other work anyway. that one really punches you in the heart, instead of just disorienting you/making you feel vaguely disgusted.

alright, ok, the ubiquitous "i'm still here" post is finished. i'll be back with a focused post tonight, since i'll be home from work early and will force myself to stop watching man vs. food in order to save this blog.

xxx

eugenia

ham salad; or, "beyond the meat curtains"

it was recently pointed out to me that 99.9% of my blog entries have something to do with vaginas--some kind of horrifying version of a vagina, right? like a dripping one with teeth? or something else i wrote about "consumption?" i don't really remember. anyway, i was told it should be a theme. like, my "thing," like, what this blog is "all" "about."

however, i think that cheapens my little nuggets of horror whimsy, so we're gonna talk about a penis really fast just to mix things up:

ALIEN (1979)



that looks like a penis.



talk about unwanted erections! the boner to kill all boners! mega-bone! boned-to-death!



and, just in case you wanted like, a second penis or something (can you really ever have just one?) you can buy this!



the boner monster kit, for the lonely dude in us all.



alright, alright. i'll be serious, i guess. ridley scott did something pretty sweet here, and i'm sure you all know that, but really, this penis monster is awesome. we've got a male victim for once (the always great john hurt), and he quite literally dies in some kind of perverse child birth. the baby alien penetrates from the inside out, almost mocking john hurt's lack of birth canal. is this, like, a truly feminist moment, you guys? or is it just gross?

really, i just enjoy this nuance--hurt's death is the most graphic in the film, and though the hyperbolic nature of it (and the "team" atmosphere of the ship's crew) sort of overshadows the gender flip here, it's really nice to have a DUDE be the first one down, and not only that, he's killed by a boner! ha-ha.

anyway, this is a part of what makes the entire movie this fantastic "feminist" piece (i use that word reluctantly, for obvious reasons)--sigourney weaver's character is never sexualized (except maybe at the end, but it's short and the shedding of clothing, i think, has more to do with portraying a quick moment of weakness or relaxation instead of sex), and she's also realistically strong--we see her break down a few times, because she's a human and there's a fucking alien killing everyone, but she's not some kind of über-lady GI jane hot ideological mess.

god, if you haven't seen this movie, you'd better. if not for the killer penis, for all of the creepiness and--shit. shit. i just remembered, the part when the land on the scary alien planet, the caves they go into look like huge vaginas. and the aliens are in the vagina caves. and the plant that shoots the soon-to-be boner monster out onto john hurt is definitely a vagina plant. god dammit. i guess it's inevitable.

(PS, for a more expansive look at the vagina-caves, please get barbara creed's book, the monstrous-feminine, because she definitely writes about it, and i'm assuming she says more than just "oh hey, that kind of looks like a vag")

i promise i'll write something with more intellectual merit soon. i can feel the critical eyes of all of my former professors sweeping down this page, clicking their tongues, trying to scratch shit in the margins, telling me my points are wacky, vague and reversible. the graduate's curse, right?

also, i just bought a pound of ham salad. chow time, buddies!

xx

eugenia

fright night (the best vampire movie ever)

if you have not see this movie, please go rent it/buy it/netflix it/illegally download it/whatever as soon as possible. it's really good. it's like, weirdly sexy, and it's got roddy mcdowell and the bad prince from a princess bride. also, it's probably got the best soundtrack to ever be in a fucking movie. i'm not even kidding, the music is ~to die for~, but it's unfortunately really hard to find. i think i got one song from itunes. if i was maybe a little more bit torrent savvy, i'm sure i could find the soundtrack, but i'm not, so i'll just complain.

here's a good example:

LISTEN

SO GOOD! right? right?? ~give into temptation~

anyway, aside from the fantastic music, there's also this incredible dance scene with vampire/victim, which i guess also has to do with the music, actually. oh well.

so here's something smart i can say about fright night:

(i guess this might be a spoiler, but a mild one)

so, the story deals with charley and his girlfriend, amy, and before anything gets supernatural, we're faced with the problems of "going too fast" or "going steady" or whatever--basically, charley wants to do it, amy doesn't, but then when amy relents and gets all sexy, charley gets distracted by the vampire that's moved in next door.
hah, hah. so we've got this weird sexual foreshadowing, which culminates in amy (a virgin, at least until she becomes a vampire? maybe?) looking like this:



whoa, man. WHOA. if that's not some kind of huge toothed vagina on her face, i don't know what is.

now, i've already talked about this consuming/consumed thing, and what i like about this movie is that it kind of straddles the line between sexy/gross. see, jerry, the vampire, makes amy sexy--but after biting her, he makes her this gross sex vagina monster, this tainted object--it's like, because she knows too much about sex after the whole vampire thing, it's disfigured her; she doesn't retain that innocent sexiness, she's become a literal monster. with a wet, toothy vagina on her face. on her FACE.

the vagina/the mouth/sex/death/monsters/disfiguring thing is pretty interesting. amy's sex is no longer hidden, right? it's not displaced beneath her dress, it's like, RIGHT THERE, huge and gaping and monstrous, arguably because of her increased sexuality, her new sexual knowledge. the vagina has also merged with the site of actual consumption, the mouth, so it's like, whoa, the vagina dentata is real, and it's on your fucking face.



alright, i think i've gone far enough. it's something to mull over, certainly. watch the movie! tell me what you think! beware of toothed vaginas!

(i guess i'll have to write about teeth next, since that's where all my posts end up)

xx

eugenia

cabin fever (is what i got)

yeah, i just graduated from college, but i've got no plans and nowhere to go. so i'm staying in my smallish, crappyish town to spend a year "planning" my life/live in a cheap ass house with great friends.

this does not mean, however, that i do not/will not suffer from CABIN FEVER



probably eli roth's best, really. giuseppe andrews is incredible, and everyone else is pretty rad. this movie is just gross enough; it's no torture-porn, which is nice. the ~vacation gone bad~ thing is always fun ( house of 1,000 corpses ), even though sometimes it's boring as hell ( creepshow II , i'm sorry, but that evil lake goo part sucked, and so did the rest of the movie).

anyway, the thing is, i can really identify with the doomed-travel theme, having been on two road trips with my family. not kidding: one time, in vermont, we were staying at a timeshare and there was a family that lived in the unit across from ours which i got a numero uno creepy vibe from. shortly after arriving, my sister fell about twenty feet head first through the stairwell breezeway thing, and somehow was only banged and bruised. it was terrifying, but the cherry on top was the woman who lived in that creepster unit drove me to the hospital, and she told me how (A) her young girl had died a tragic death, (B) how her young son has a hernia (??) and, (C) how she's a witch, and practices the dark arts. WHAT. she had this strange smell, and for a few years after the whole thing i swear i could smell it some nights. strange shit, man.

ok, so i've gone off topic majorly: the point is, this movie is your top quality goofy gross out. the only problem i have with it is this:

(SPOILER)

ok, so there's this part where rider strong is touching his lady friend ~down there~, but she's got the nasty skin disease, but he doesn't know!, so when he brings his hand up from the pleasure zone, and it's covered in blood, he's like WHOA GROSS (he doesn't actually say that, but you get my point). anyway, so her thigh is like disintegrating or whatever, but seriously, i don't need another movie telling me that blood coming out of my vagina is gross. OK. it's hard enough to get boys to treat you normally on your period, and it's even harder to score. eli roth, this part makes it worse. ugh!

other than that, the party is here:



xx

eugenia

human sushi

anyone hungry?



(that's plastic)

while i'm sure the concept of human sushi has no doubt been explored in some kind of extreme asian horror film i haven't seen (remember dumpling ? i guess that's not sushi, but the sentiment is certainly there), i just think this idea of secret cannibalism is kind of cool. by "secret", i mean like texas chainsaw massacre kind of secret--like sweeney todd kind of secret--like a small group of people feeding a large group of (unwitting) people human flesh. the thing is, they always seen to really enjoy it, right? like, no one spits out human BBQ. i'm pretty sure it wins prizes in TCM II--or maybe that was chili. either way, it's a theme. a real theme.

the human-animal thing is certainly present, right? treating people "like animals", i think, is always coded as "horrific"--always always always. soylent green is people, y'all.

i wonder, though, why , beyond the obvious, being consumed is so abject. what's funny is that total consumption is what's worst, the most awful, etc--whereas partial consumption is (at least these days) coded as sexy--the mixing of ~fluids~, baby--that's right, VAMPIRES, are objects of lust, not carnage.

i guess it's easier to imagine having a little blood sucked than being chopped up and fed as an amuse-bouche to ignorant diners. the former is more like sex, the latter is more like, well, death--instead of a quick in and out, it's like the vagina is swallowing you whole, motherfucker. nom nom nom, indeed.

to be sure, the fear of being eaten is not just a dude thing, but i think the consuming vagina is a fitting image, since it represents both destruction and some kind of perverse re-birth, you know? you're not actually being born again, but you're returning to pre-life, to the womb, either way.

maybe that's why cannibals/cannibalism/being consumed remains so fresh in our cultural mind--but always scary, and not attractive, like vampires. it's like, dude, of course we all have a secret desire to be eaten--but that's just because we all have a secret desire to die, and that's precisely why seeing images of people-as-sausages, people-as-sushi etc etc is so totally terrifying--it's too close to what we really want! it's too damn close!

so really, guys, just admit to yourself you want to be eaten, and all of these scary movies will cease to be gross and scary.

hah. right. the flesh may be weak, but it's certainly hard to change its mind.
brb, going to write a screenplay about cannibals.


enjoy the sushi,

xx

eugenia

#1 - introduction

hello;





this blog will cover a number of subjects, but it's main focus is HORROR movies and the various and sundry things that go along with that loaded topic. essentially, i plan to use this blog as an exploration of all things ghoulish, gross and strangely gratifying.

i don't want to overwhelm you with some kind of long-winded statement of purpose. my "blogs" should "speak" for "themselves."

stay cool,

eugenia